Down the Rabbit Hole

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This is Tana. He is our bunny, named after the great Tana Umaga, former All Black now Auckland Blues coach. Tana adopted us last September. The previous February, a kind stranger found him injured on the road and took him to the SPCA. His injuries left him a bit handicapped. When he gets excited, his head bobbles and his back legs don’t always work properly. And he’s missing the tip of one of his ears. But because he was so dependent on his marvellous caretakers at the Wellington SPCA, he is very cuddly and gives lovely Tana kisses. He loves parsley, carrots, and — of course — KALE. He won’t touch snow peas or any kind of fruit. He doesn’t trust other bunnies, but he trusts us.

fullsizeoutput_2dbTana’s favourite way to spend the day is outside, in his Tana Tunnel. I don’t know exactly what he does there, but I think it involves a good deal of lounging and nose wiggling.

Tana’s rabbit hole — which is multicoloured and made of ripstop nylon — is his happy place.

I have spent much of the past two months down my own rabbit hole, which is not multicoloured and which is the opposite of my happy place. It is foggy, confusing, and lonely.

My slide down the rabbit hole started in October, with the death of my beloved friend, Kline Howell.

In November, there was the US presidential election, which didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. Enough said about that.DSC_0727

Later in November, we had to euthanise our stoic and much adored Shakespeare. He was nearly 17 — a good innings for a dog. Still, our hearts broke. I was far away, in Laos. I attended his passage via FaceTime, but I didn’t get to hug him goodbye. All the photographs I took that day were out of focus.

And then there was Christmas.

1656212_10153866315413410_2806494952192573646_nChristmas, for me, is an ordeal. I didn’t always feel this way. When I was a child, my Christmases were magical. My Father the Pumpkin Scrooge was, come December, Father Christmas. He made door decorations, hung lights indoors and out, and made me some of the most wonderful Christmas gifts a little girl could wish for. And Mom baked — cookies, Christmas stollen — and sewed — stuffed animals, Barbie clothes, and all manner of Christmas decorations.

 

When I grew up, Christmas might have been a bit less magical, but it was no less joyful. We three spent many a Christmas Eve listening to Tony Bennet and Mel Torme holiday CDs, watching the Atlanta Cathedral Midnight Mass, and opening Christmas presents. Dad and I opened ours carefully, with our pocket knives, so as not to tear any paper. It drove Mom right round the bend.

Dad didn’t build me Christmas presents anymore, but he found strange and wonderful ones, mostly from the Nature Company Christmas catalogue. There was the giant, inflatable Egyptian Mummy. And the collection of rubber wildlife noses — duck, rabbit, pig, shark, and wolf. And the silver dolphin earrings, which I still treasure.

I treasure the giant inflatable mummy, too. Sadly, it got bit by a dog and lost its inflatableness.

And then dementia came to our family. Like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, it pointed to a future without Merry Christmases. But, unlike Mr. Scrooge, I found there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that future. There was no happy ending. When my parents died, so, for me, did Christmas.

Of course, everyone knows that some people get sad at Christmas. But until I was one of those people, I didn’t really understand how painful and lonely it is when, at a time when everyone else is full of joy and love, all you can feel is pain and loss.

I started going down my own rabbit hole to keep the joy and merriment at arm’s length.

I expected that when I moved to New Zealand, where Christmas falls in summertime and hence lacks most of the environmental triggers that I’m used to — dark nights brightened by Christmas lights, cold weather, even, occasionally, snow — it would be easier. In some ways, it is. And Simon, like me, is inclined to ignore Christmas. But Christmas is still Christmas, even in the Antipodes.

And, it turns out, in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. Hanoi has Black Friday sales and a whole street devoted to nothing but Christmas decorations. Who knew?img_1644

You can’t escape Christmas music: in hotel lobbies, TV commercials, at the grocery store, even on Jesse Mulligan’s Afternoons on Radio NZ. What’s my favourite Christmas album? The ones that are packed up until next year.

So I go down my rabbit hole where joy cannot reach. No Christmas joy. But also, no joy from playing music. No joy of cooking. No joy from blogging. No joy from playing with dogs or chickens. In the rabbit hole, it is foggy and blah. No joy. No pain.

Now that Epiphany is in the rearview mirror and the New Year’s sales are coming to an end, I’m starting to poke my nose out of the rabbit hole. And there are exciting times ahead.14184447_10154527766408410_742043425423889984_n

I will pick up my accordion again.

I will sew Raggedy Anns.

I will start teaching cooking classes — watch this space.

I will keep drawing portraits, self and otherwise, to honour Kline.

I will train to run the Angkor Wat Half Marathon in December.

I will visit the Galapagos Islands and Machu Picchu with my Sweetheart.raggedy-ann

I will return to Athens to celebrate my Dad’s life of teaching and scholarship.

I will let colour and joy back into my life, until next December.

Or maybe not. Maybe next December, I will learn from Tana and redecorate my rabbit hole to make it a safe, colourful, and happy place filled with music. Just not Christmas music.

Perhaps I will find a way to wish myself a very merry un-Christmas.14563481_10154663669108410_8180738672471969897_n

 

 

 

DWV: Driving While Vegetarian

In about a month, I’m heading off on an epic solo road trip from Minneapolis to Atlanta. I’ll be visiting friends and family along the way, but I am also looking forward to the days on the road alone with my iPod loaded with audio books, the Go-Gos, and the Bangles; my camera; and my GPS. I’d love to be able to add my appetite to that list, but finding little-known culinary gems of the sort that have made Jane and Michael Stern famous is almost a lost cause for vegetarians.

Armed with a dog-eared copy of the 2nd (1980) edition of the Stern’s Roadfood, my first husband and I would take the back roads to find out-of-the way eateries, diners, and truck stops. On our honeymoon in New Orleans, the best meals we had were at Roadfood-recommended spotneworleans-snack-camelliagrill-2.jpgs: The Camellia Grill (greasy cheeseburgers sold by counter staff in white jackets and bow ties and an excuse to ride the streetcar), The Old Coffee Pot (calas cakes — sweet rice fritters), Central Grocery (muffalettas), Mother’s (the best ham Po’ Boy ever and Debris and Grits, made with the crunchy scratchings and scraps), and, of course, the magical beignet’s and chicory coffee and the Cafe du Monde.

Cafe Du Monde

Just because it is a tourist trap doesn’t mean it isn’t good!

It is testimony the to the quality of the Sterns’ picks that every one of these establishments is still going strong, 35 years later.

Sadly, there is no real vegetarian equivalent of Roadfood, or of the excellent Roadfood website, for vegetarians. Roadfood does tag restaurants that are suitable for vegetarians, but most of the promising ones (at least to me) seem to be Connecticut or the Southwest. Which is great if you are in Connecticut or the Southwest, but not so great if you are driving from Minneapolis to Atlanta and are not planning a route that goes through either New Haven or Tucson. I have made a note of one recommendation that is, more or less, mostly less, along my route. It is a grilled cheese sandwich joint called Melt, on the outskirts of Cleveland, which I suppose I could justify with a visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum. I can do that since Deep Purple’s (according to Simon, woefully late) induction.

https://roadfood.com/restaurants/melt-bar-grilled/

When I Google “vegetarian road food”, I find lots of sites that suggest packing lots of your own carrots and celery, miso soup packets, and travel blenders. They also provide lists of things to ask when you do stop at a restaurant: is your bread vegan? Is your vegetable soup made with chicken stock? Etc. This is all excellent advice. [I can add one: don’t take prunes as a road snack. I learned that the hard way, driving across southwest Texas in 1987.] One site suggested eating only at Chinese restaurants and just ordering order tofu and broccoli. Now I love broccoli and tofu as much as the next girl . . . but . . . just kill me now.vegan-broccoli_tofu-zoom

I’ve encountered similar challenges since moving to New Zealand. There is a plant-based food community here, but it is scattered around a largely carnivorous country. It has taken some time to find sources of things like nooch (nutritional yeast — by mail order from http://www.huckleberry.co.nz), Bragg Liquid Aminos and Barley Malt Syrup (ceres.co.nz), tofu (the tofu man at the Riverside Market in Lower Hutt), and Jackfruit (Davis Trading in Petone). Wellington could really use a vegetarian fine dining restaurant. Right now, our choices are limited to Asian and Indian. Or things laden with hated pumpkin or kumara — or both.

So, what’s a vegetarian — and worse, a vegan — to do? There are some good resources. Happycow.net has an extensive listing of vegan, vegetarian, and vegetarian-friendly eateries around the world that includes brief reviews. It also includes listings of vegetarian and vegan shops and co-ops, which is really useful if you are staying in one place for a while. The reviews can be crossed referenced on Yelp or Trip Advisor for more guidance.

If you are traveling in the Southern United States, one good option is to pull off the main road, find the nearest town, and look for the meat-and-three restaurant. meat and threeYou can usually find one in the town centre, near the courthouse. It’s a lunchtime cultural experience not to be missed. Meat and three restaurants offer lunch (and occasionally dinner) plates consisting of a choice of three meat mains (say, fried chicken, country ham, and meatloaf) plus three of a fairly extensive selection of vegetable sides. In the old days, most of the vegetables would have been cooked with pork, but more and more, you’ll find plenty of meat-free choices. It might be tougher for vegans, but there should still be some options. Any good meat and three restaurant will offer a veg plate that usually involves three or five veg plus bread.

The ultimate meat and three experience can be had at The Blue Willow Inn in Social Circle, Georgia. ga_mapYou can find it here: http://www.bluewillowinn.com. Strictly speaking, The Blue Willow isn’t a meat and three but an all-you-can-eat buffet. But the effect is the same. It’s a little bit touristy, and a little bit Gone With the Windy. Still, this was probably my Dad’s favourite eating place in the entire universe. This was partly because they usually had fried liver and onions (belch!), but what kept him going back again and again on the least excuse was the fried green tomatoes and the grits soufflé. blue willow green tomsIf you are ever in the vicinity of Atlanta, or pretty much anywhere in the top half of Georgia, it is well worth a detour. Vegetarian or not, you can eat yourself into catatonia. Get there early, though, to make sure they still have the fried green tomatoes.

Another good option is, of course, to check out local vegan and vegetarian websites for the places you are going. The problem here, of course, is that finding a good one can be a hit or miss proposition. We need more of them.

Everywhere.

There should be a law.

If you happen to be traveling to Bath, in the United Kingdom, you are in luck. My lovely sister-in-law, Ellie, has a local vegan website that is the Gold Standard for the art form.

http://www.veganbath.co.uk

It’s just the kind of local vegetarian website a funky, medium-sized city that calls itself The Coolest Little Capital in the World needs. That you, Wellington. Vegan Bath isn’t just a compilation of Yelp and Trip Advisor reviews. It is a thoughtful resource where you can learn stuff about being vegan, the history of plant-based diets, and, of course, where to go in Bath if you are a vegetarian.

I went to Bath once. It rained torrentially, the Pump House had a two hour wait, the  Roman bath was full of vile looking green water, and I didn’t see Ann Elliot and Captain Wentworth anywhere. It was a bad day.persuasion-1995-screencapture

Thanks to Vegan Bath, I can’t wait to go back and give it another go.

Well done, Ellie!

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90 Things My Mother Taught Me: Part II

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Today is Mum’s Birthday in our homeland, where it is yesterday, while I am already in tomorrow, where it isn’t Mum’s Birthday anymore. [Disclaimer: actually, it isn’t Mom’s birthday anywhere anymore. Thinking up 90 things took longer than I expected.]

As promised (rashly), here are the second 44 things my mother taught me, in more-or-less no particular order:

44:     If the Dawgs are behind in a football game, go into the kitchen and they will turn it around. This only worked for Mum, which earned her the nickname “the Kitchen Witch.”Dean Rusk During one of her dinner parties the Dawgs were behind in a big game (which the guests were listening to on radio, because . . . well . . . it was them Dawgs!), Former Secretary of State Dean Rusk (who was a Georgia boy and taught at UGA in his later years) politely picked up Mum’s plate, and his, and ate with her at the kitchen table. Georgia, of course, won.

This was the year UGA won the National Championship. Mum spent the entire 1980-81 football season in the kitchen, but never got the recognition she deserved. Hershal Shmershal.

43:      It is a bad idea to decorate your white dog with red and blue crepe paper for the 4th of July parade. It will rain and your dog will turn purple tie-dye.

42:      If you don’t eat it for supper tonight, you’ll get it for lunch tomorrow.

snoopy1241:      It is important to learn how to type, but only well enough to get a job. Don’t type so well that people might actually want you to do it. This was when they still had typewriters — manual ones.

40:      If a peacock falls in love with you, don’t look him in the eye, or he will follow you around all day waggling his tail feathers in your general direction.

39:      How to knit “continental style”: I didn’t know it was called continental style, Mum probably didn’t either. I just know she could knit really fast, and I can too. Mind you, I rip out a lot more than she did.

38:      Never tell people you love frogs. If you do, you will never, for the rest of your life, receive a gift that doesn’t have frogs on. Also, never tell your Aunt who lives in Milwaukee that you collect beer steins unless you really mean it. If you do, you will reach middle life with enough beer steins to open your own Ratskeller.

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Thanks, Auntie June, for all the lovely steins!

37:      Flying coach to Los Angeles, then folding yourself into an overloaded, un-airconditioned Datsun 210 to keep your kid company on a three and a half day drive from Los Angeles to Athens is a supreme act of love. Knitting the same kid a gorgeous sweater in the process is even more awesome.

 

36:      The stripes on Raggedy Ann’s legs go round-and-round, not up-and-down.

35:      Colored towels don’t work. Actually, this one came from Dad, but it is too good to leave out, as is . . .

 

34:      There are no roads in Canada, and . . .

33:      You can drive to Manassas, but you can’t drive back.

32:      If you are born on the 4th of July, you will always get American flags on your birthday cakes. And people will ask you if you are a Yankee Doodle Dandy. To get a birthday cakes with no red, white, and blue, you will have to leave the country. But you might still get fireworks.

31:      If you see a flash of white fur followed by a barefoot woman shaking a raw piece of bacon shouting about Russian Dumplings, it’s just Mum trying to catch the dog.

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The noble, and fleet of foot,  Piroshki with Miss Peanut

30:      Don’t leave any complicated cooking until the last minute, because parties always end up with everyone in the kitchen. Besides, the whole point of inviting folks round for dinner is to enjoy their company.

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29:      Make friends with old people, they have interesting stories to tell you. I’ve had several adopted Grandmas over the years and my life was richer for it. I am now an old person. I am available for adoption.

28:      Edna Shakleford will never, ever give you the recipe for her Coconut Cake to die for. Make a pitcher of martinis and get over it.

27:      Bake Christmas Stöllen because: 1) it is a family tradition; 2) they are sort of like fruitcake, but people actually like them, and 3) people will be so grateful they will give you Christmas cookies that you can, later, pretend you baked. This saves you the onerous job of baking Christmas cookies.

26:      It also helps to have two sisters who bake wonderful Christmas cookies.

25:      Janice’s nutmeg logs are the best cookie ever, closely followed by Anita’s cranberry bark, which, technically, isn’t a cookie.

24:      When the rabbit starts running around in his hutch, you have about five seconds to get the freezer door open.

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Oops!

23:      Your kid will get potty trained eventually. Make a pitcher of martinis and don’t stress out.Then you can smile knowingly when a visiting neighbor’s little boy walks up to you and says, proudly: “Look! I made a poo-poo” and presents his mother with a perfect turd.

 

 

22:      When your daughter declares she might want to join a convent, make a pitcher of martinis and roll with it. The phase will pass.

21:      When your daughter takes an overdose of sleeping pills and lands in a psychiatric hospital on suicide watch, hug her a lot and tell her you love her. The phase will pass.

20:      When the troop leader tells your daughter that she has to sell two cases of Girl Scout Cookies, just buy them all and put them in the freezer. Added bonus: you will have something to fall back on if the stöllen-for-Christmas cookie scam doesn’t work.

 

19:      When the Band Director tells your kid that she has to sell four cases of Drix, just buy them all and put them in the freezer.

18:      When your kid melts her band hat by using it as a lampshade, don’t make her feel any stupider than she already does. Try to fix it by stuffing it with newspaper, then own up to the Band Director.65272_10151352831074442_1906667689_n

17:   Don’t use your husband’s royalty check as a bookmark unless you are sure you will remember which book you marked with it.

16:      1044516_10151782269223410_365771569_nGathering about 10,000 yards of raspberry pink sating for a bridesmaid’s dress is a way to spend a weekend, but not much of one. But you do these things for your best friends, and your kid’s best friends.

15:      When stealing peas from your mother’s garden, if you tell your brother that the shells are the best part, then you get to eat all the peas.

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Mom and her brother Billy, who ate all the pea pods

14:     When your husband convinces his star graduate student to partake of a martini and radish and onion sandwich binge, legendary hangovers will ensue. Be on standby with Alka-Seltzer.

13:      Major Professors can convince their students to do just about any damn stupid thing.

12: During USMC Japanese Language School reunions, legendary hangovers will ensue. You will see a side of your husband/Dad that you never even suspected. And you will have a great deal of fun.

 

11:      Bunion surgery really sucks. Wear sensible shoes.sensible shoes

10:      If God intended for you to walk with bunions, he wouldn’t have made teenage daughters with driver’s licenses.

9:         You can wear white shoes any damn time you want to. Particularly if they are sneakers. Especially Chucks, which are even cool in Venice.

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8:         Homemade gifts are the best. No one will remember that Pet Rock they got for Christmas in 1972, but they will still have, and love, the Raggedy Ann you made them with the stripes going the wrong way, the Amish dolls you made one year, the Mother Geese (Gooses?) you made another year. You daughter will keep, and cherish the Pooh, Tigger, and Paddington Bear you made her. When she lives in New Zealand, she will think of you, and miss you, every time she sees them – worn and well loved as they are.IMG_0109

7:         Kneading bread dough is better than therapy, and cheaper.

6:         Always write Thank You notes. Right through the 1980s and 1990s, everyone who donated money to the Athens Area Emergency Food Bank got a handwritten Thank You note written by Mum. And most of them donated more money, and received more Thank You notes. Mum was gracious and generous.missions_foodbank

5:         Good people fall on hard times. No one should go hungry because they can’t afford to buy groceries. And no one should judge. It could be you next time.

4:         You can change the world with a telephone, index cards, and a roll of stamps. I’ve seen it happen. Mum did it, right from this chair:

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The Command Centre

 

3:        Mom to Simon: “Are you sure you want to marry her? She’s trouble with a big T!”

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2:         Crossword puzzles are good for your brain. CCI06072016_6

 

 

 

 

 

 

1:         You were a beautiful soul, loved by many, and you are deeply missed. Happy Birthday, Mum!

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90 Things My Mother Taught Me: Part I

1044844_10151784467348410_1806859731_nIdamae Saltenberger was born on the Sesquincentennial of the United States (that’s 150 years).

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Idamae with her parents, 1926

I took this photo of Idamae Saltenberger Ziemke on her 50th Birthday, which happened to be the Bicentennial of the United States.

She hated having her picture taken, which is why she has that whole Princess Diana vibe going on.

This 4th of July (Independence Day in the land of my birth . . . and hers), Idamae Saltenberger Ziemke would have celebrated her nonagintennial.

She’d be turning 90.

I miss her.

She was my Mum. She taught me everything (important) that I know.

In honour of her 90th, I thought I’d compile a list of the 90 most important things she taught me. One for each year.

It turns out that 90 is a lot of things.

So, I will make two lists: one for her New Zealand Birthday and one for her US Birthday.

Here is Part I in no particular order:

90:      Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy get together at the end of Pride and Prejudice, even the 1,723rd time you watch it.lizzie and darcy

89:      If you eat an entire box of Christmas ribbon candy in one day, you will get sick and never want to eat Christmas ribbon candy again in your entire life. ribbon candyIn fact, just looking up images of Christmas ribbon candy on Google will make you queasy 50 years later.

88:      It’s a bad idea to use soft-boiled Easter Eggs in an egg hunt.

87:      Don’t spray insecticide on the rose bushes you planted next to your husband’s fishpond. The fish will die and your husband will rip up your rose bushes.

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Enter a caption

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86:      Never throw out bleach bottles, you never know when you might want to make them into [fill in the blank]. Mum’s bestie, Laura Huish, allegedly wept when she had to re-home her bleach bottle collection when her family moved to North Carolina. They came to live happily in our attic where some found meaningful careers as piggy-banks.bird feeder

 

 

 

85:      Never throw out egg cartons. See number 86 above. egg carton penguinsThis only applies to cardboard egg cartons. The Styrofoam ones are useless, even for holding eggs.

 

84:      Never throw out Reader’s Digests. With a little spray paint and a styrofoam ball, they make nice Christmas angels.

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83:      In fact, best not to throw out anything. You never know when you might need that odd sock.

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82:      Stay on good terms with your next-door neighbours (which means gracefully accepting when they offer you some of their goat barbecue) in case your oven blows up and you’ve made Baked Alaska for your dinner party. That way, you can use their oven and arrive at the front door of your own party bearing spectacular dessert.

81:      When your husband’s graduate student and his wife turn up a week early for their dinner invitation, make a pitcher of martinis and tomato sandwiches. Everyone will have a wonderful time.

80:      Episcopalians are happy to hear the Christmas Story on the 4th of July.

79:      If you choose to turn your hair green with Sun In, you can live with the consequences until it grows out.  1001483_10151782256448410_1697737890_n

78:      Don’t ever let Uncle Chuck make Dad’s drinks. If you do, Dad will never make it to the Friday Fish Fry.

77:      There is more to dessert than chocolate.

76:      If God had meant people to be outside in Georgia in August, he wouldn’t have made air-conditioners.

75:      And if you stay out of the sun, in the air-conditioning, you won’t have any wrinkles on your 50th Birthday and you will look awesome. For that matter, you won’t have any wrinkles and will look pretty awesome on your 82nd Birthday!

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Mom’s 82nd Birthday with my friends Katy and Yvonne. I was on a train in Australia, meeting my soul mate. She warned me before I left. I didn’t believe her. Silly me.

74:      You cannot hear Gordon Lightfoot sing “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” too many times. You can, however, wear the grooves off the record. I wanted us to sing it at her Memorial Service. Turns out, it’s not in the Episcopal Hymnal.Wreck-45-200x200

73:      If you are fed up with your family and decide to run away from home, remember to put on your shoes and take your purse.

72:      You can never have enough index cards.

71:      If you are going to sew yourself a swimsuit, remember to use waterproof elastic. Otherwise, your bottoms will float away the first time you jump into the pool, and you will be pretty darned embarrassed.

70:      Life is too short to bake cookies.

69:      Never use bleach on the Altar Linens, only lemon juice. Bleach makes holes in fair linen.

68:      If you say you are going to the Golden Pantry with Becky but you actually are going to “meet boys”, your mother will know. She is omnipotent.

67:      “Your Father will be so disappointed” is worse than a spanking.

66:      If you are at the beach and the steaks fall off the Hibachi into the sand, wipe them off and make another pitcher of martinis. Always gin. Always olives. Dirty (with the olive juice). No one will notice.hibachi

65:      No one has invented the garbage disposal yet. This is still true.electric-pig

64:      Ankle strap shoes are trashy.

63:      So are halter-tops.

62:      Twenty-five years from now, no one will care that you weren’t tapped for that High School sorority. Neither will you. In fact, you won’t remember what that High School sorority was.IMG_0108

61:      But you will remember that your Mum suggested you start your own secret society and call it the D.R.I.P.S., which doesn’t stand for anything. But the girls you won’t let in (because they did get tapped for that High School sorority that you can’t remember the name of) don’t know that and will think you are very mysterious.

60:      Some day, you will be grateful that your Mum fished the tear-soaked pieces of the note you got from Winston in sixth grade saying “I don’t love you no more” out of the waste basket and taped them back together.

59:      Ditto the equally tear-soaked piece of the note you got from Winston six months earlier saying “I love you. You’re Jam Up an Jelly Tight.”

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A valuable historical document. Sadly, I can’t put my hands on the break-up note.

58:      Always wear clean knickers in case you get in a car accident. You don’t want to arrive at the ER in yesterday’s undies.

57:      It is extremely difficult to get a finch to eat broccoli.

56:      Always clean the windows and dry crystal glasses with newspaper. It is cheap, you only throw it away anyway, and it doesn’t leave streaks (although you might get newsprint all over you).

55:      If you accidentally pour your kid’s grape Kool-Aide into the Beef Bourguignon instead of the red wine, just make another pitcher of martinis and roll with it. (Are you detecting a pattern here?) It will taste fine and everyone will wonder what the secret ingredient is. Sort of like those little cocktail wieners with the grape jelly.

54:      You can’t have too many homegrown tomatoes, but you can have too many figs.

53:      Fortunately, Southerners love figs.

52:      Money won’t buy you friends, but fig pizzas will.

51:      The Benny Hill Show is obnoxious, but Dad loves it, so humor him.The-Benny-Hill-Show-5

50:      You don’t have to speak German to cook awesomely delicious German food.

49:      Always make Klösse with old potatoes, even if your husband insists you only make them with new potatoes (and it’s OK to sneak in a few mashed cooked potato so everything sticks together – just don’t tell Dad).

48:      And they aren’t done with they float – whatever the cookbook says. If you take them out of the water as soon as they float, you will have raw potato mush.

47:      McD’s Quarter Pounders are best with onions only.

46:      Nobody at McD’s believes that Quarter Pounder are best with onions only, so be prepared to 1) explain yourself, 2) wait so long that your French Fries have congealed and, 3) end up with a Quarter Pounder with everything but onions.

45:      You can’t flush toothbrushes down the toilet, and ceramic toilets can catch fire when attacked by a mad Professor with a blowtorch.toilet barbecue

 

Smells Like Victory

IMG_0111Every morning, between our first cup of coffee and “breakfast”, which is usually more like elevenses, Simon, the boys, and I go out for a morning romp. Simon feeds the pigs and alpacas, I give the chooks their morning eggshells, Shakey has a morning constitutional, CJ chases his tennis ball, and Cully does whatever Cully does.

This morning, though, CJ couldn’t find a tennis ball and then, suddenly, he disappeared into the bush. When we all came in, I detected a whiff of deja vu. Something like . . . what? Ah! I remember! The summer a possum crawled under our air conditioner condenser and died.

Odorifically.

Filling chez Ziemke with the bouquet of road kill.

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RIP Possum

We spent the night in a motel.

CJ has had a bath.

Some childhood memories, I can do without.

Music can tap into memory in a powerful way and has, for me, become a transformative outlet for my tangled emotions. Taste can trigger memories. For me, tomato sandwiches (on squishy white bread with Blue Plate Mayonnaise) will always taste like summer in Georgia. But smell alone can, almost literally, transport me back in time. It is far and away my most evocative sense, for better and worse.

The smell of bread baking always — every single time — carries me back to my Mum’s kitchen.

The smell of chlorine or coconut oil takes me back to long, lazy summers hanging around at the Green Acres Pool — and probably earning myself skin cancer.

The smell of wet wool conjures blizzards, snow forts, and wet beanies and mittens.1012852_10151784211238410_1993603695_n

And I can smell when it is going to snow.

Then there is dead possum.

And the smell of liver and onions frying. We had liver once a week until (God bless ’em) the nutritional powers-that-be declared it unfit for human consumption because of its high cholesterol. Liver and onions smell deceptively delicious when they are cooking, especially when they are cooked — as Mom always did — with bacon. I, however, was not fooled.

And fish baking.

Mom was a marvellous cook. Almost everything she touched turned to deliciousness.

With two exceptions: liver and onions, and her baked fish casserole, which replaced liver and onions night post-cholesteral consciousness raising. She layered thawed flounder fillets (which came in unappetising-looking fish bricks) with canned tomatoes, sliced onions and green peppers, and topped the whole thing with sliced lemons and breadcrumbs.It smelled like some ill-considered tex-mex cat food and tasted worse. 29-fish-fingers-rexDad claimed to like it. I think he was trying not to ruin his weekends. It was disgusting. I prayed for fish fingers. They never came. I’ve never quite recovered and still have an extremely cautious relationship with fish.

All these years later, when I get a whiff of the fish monger at the Farmers’ Market, I get a pit in my tummy that says “Oh, no. Fish casserole.”

Forgive me Mom.

Now I am starting a new life, in a new home, in a new country.

My life in New Zealand is full of new smells that are building new emotional memories that will stay with me wherever I go.IMG_0236

Wee piglets. I will never forget the smell of our Wee Charlie when we first brought him home. You know how babies smell like milk? Well, Wee Charlie did, too. I know. I bottle fed him for four weeks.

Turns out bottle feeding a Kune Kune piglet is a full contact sport.

The hangi, a Maori banquet cooked in the ground — sometimes with wood, sometimes in geothermal steam vents. I’m not Maori, but the smell reminds me of family.

Rotorua, which smells like boiling mud because it is full of , well, boiling mud. And spas. What’s not to love?IMG_0825

Penguins, which, come to think of it, smell pretty much like Mom’s fish casserole.

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Muddy chickens. We don’t have any sand, but there is a sunny, peaty spot where the Saltenberger girls like to take their dirt baths. It makes them smell like the earth.IMG_0429

Alpaca spit. Ok, not all smells are good. But if you smell alpaca spit once, you’ll never forget it. Shearing day is also our annual alpaca spitting contest. Domino is the undisputed champion.

Manuka smoke, which makes the bacon buttie stall at the Market almost irresistible. But, I think of the smell of wee piglet and resist. Fortunately, they also sell liquid manuka smoke, which is magical.IMG_0473

And the waiting room of the Hutt Valley DHB Mental Health Services, where I went every week for six months and where my lovely therapist introduced me to me. When I started, that room smelled like any medical waiting room, a combination of fear and anxiety. As Jane helped me, gradually, to let go of what I didn’t need — guilt, grief, insecurity, and failure — and embrace what I had left behind — my happy childhood, my inner musician and artist, the future, and kale — that scent of fear transformed into one of healing and growth.

That smells like life.

That smells like victory.

 

Victory Vegetables

Improvise and Overcome

008 Counting in Kiwi - Number 8 wire, that'll sort it

Kiwis take great pride in what they call their “number 8 wire” mentality. In a small, remote country peppered with small, remote communities, specialised materials can be hard to find. So, Kiwis have learned to make do. A Kiwi bloke, it is said, can fix anything with a piece of number 8 fencing wire. Kiwis are proud of their ability to improvise, adapt, and overcome.

When an earthquake knocked down Christchurch, they built a shopping mall out of shipping containers and a cathedral out of cardboard.

My Dad had a bit of the number 8 wire mentality. The wife wants a $1000.00 Tiffany lampshade for Christmas? Make one out of chicken wire and coloured glass. CCI02062016Dragged your feet until all the Christmas trees are gone (Southerners put their trees up the day after Thanksgiving)? Build one out of dowels and holly branches from the garden. The wife flushed a toothbrush down the toilet and got it stuck in the U-bend? Take the toilet out onto the driveway and melt the toothbrush with your blow torch.

Okay. That last one didn’t work out so well. Turns out ceramic toilets can catch fire. Which it did, burning for several minutes (long enough for neighbours to come gawp from far and wide) before breaking in half. Try living that down. I hear someone related that story, to gales of laughter, at Dad’s Memorial Service. Oh. Wait. That was me.

I’ve learned some things about improvising since moving to New Zealand. Cake flour not a thing? Take three tablespoons out of each cup of standard flour and replace with potato starch, then sift the hell out of it. No graham crackers? Use digestive biscuits. Chickens escaping into the primary school next door? Plastic snow fence. Broken accordion? Get a digital piano until you can find an accordion fixer — or a new accordion.

I haven’t found a way to use number 8 wire to fix an accordion.

The career you built over 25 years goes up in flames, along with your mental health and sense of self worth? Take your crazy pills and build a new self. One that you love. One that honours who you are, not who you think you should want to be.

She’ll be right.She'll be right

I came to New Zealand to be a Professor of Defence and Security Studies and a Southern Hemisphere consultant on countering violent extremism and cross-cultural communication. Three years later, I’m a fairly anonymous food blogger and brassica evangelist. I’m also an aspiring accordion virtuoso with a broken accordion accidentally finding my bliss, and myself, on a digital piano.

Some would call that a failure. I call it a rebirth.

Food and music, it turns out, are a pretty good “number 8 wire” for a broken soul.

When I was in High School, I took up the saxophone so I could play in the Stage Band (part big-band, part Dixieland, part jazz, part dance band). 1004065_10151784467223410_1185793730_n-3We played everything from World War II-era swing and Dixieland to Dave Brubeck and Frank Zappa, but I longed to learn to improvise. To take break free of the chart, fly, and make jazz magic all my own.

But I was too shy and, I thought, too female and too caucasian. I didn’t know the rules, and there must be rules. I reckoned I was too lazy and enamoured of my creature comforts to make it as a musician. In the 1970s, when I was teenager, becoming a professional chef certainly wasn’t a thing. Girls who could cook taught Home Economics. And I had this brain . . . and I could write . . . and I grew up around scholars . . . and history was in my blood.

So I followed the recipe. Played the notes that were written. Coloured inside the lines. Did what was expected of me.

White girls can’t jam.

I went to college. I got As. I earned a free ride to Graduate School. I got married. I got divorced. I got a Ph.D. I got a job at a Defense think tank. And I struggled to find ways to transform my longing to create into national security analysis. Sometimes, I almost succeeded. I hated about 50% of the work I did, felt “meh” about 40%, and loved about 10%. And, I reckoned, that was probably better than most people do. I made good money. I had amazing colleagues and friends all over the world. I did some valuable work. I traveled the world. Sometimes, as with my countering violent extremism work, I did work that made me proud and gave me joy. I don’t know if I made the world a better place, but the world made me a better person.

Then my parents got old. And they developed dementia. They weren’t eating. The house was a tip. But they didn’t want to leave.  Again, I tried to follow the recipe, play the notes that were written, colour inside the lines. To be a good daughter. To make their lives better. To make them happy.

But this time, I failed. I hadn’t saved them from the indignity of getting old. Not because I wasn’t good enough, or didn’t try hard enough, or failed to follow the rules. I failed because failure was inevitable. I know this now. My parents were never going to be as they were. Our little family was gone for good.

So, I thought, was my anchor. I spent my life following the script of the good daughter handbook; working to make my parents proud. Not because they expected it, but because I did. But now I wasn’t a daughter. From now on, whether I liked it or not, my life was an improv.

I was terrified. I was setting out on a seven-year panic attack.

Luckily, I found a new anchor. On a train. In Australia. And reader, I married him.1934126_27315433409_5243_n

And I ran away with him. To New Zealand.

Simon held me up when I broke. He pulled me away from the edge. He kept me safe. I know he was terrified, too. But he didn’t show it. Not to me.

He has supported all my various schemes to heal — through therapy, wall paper shredding, cooking, knitting, colouring books, a tattoo and an accordion.

And, oh, so much kale!

He saved my life.

But now, I know, it’s up to me to keep going. And growing. And I’m doing it without a plan or a rule book. I’m well off the map.

I’m tracking my adventure through this blog. And I’m playing my own, improvised sound track. Thanks to my remarkable music teacher, Katie, I’m learning that when it comes to music, and life, I don’t have to learn to walk before I can run.

This white girl can jam!

 

 

 

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Listen to the Music

CCI28042016_2I was born with music.

My Dad was a failed music major (he didn’t want to learn violin), and an accomplished amateur church organist. Some of my earliest memories are of listening to him play the ancient pump organ in the antebellum chapel in our backyard. Later, he adopted a reed organ from a deconsecrated Catholic Church and rebuilt it in our basement. When we moved to Georgia, the organ got the master bedroom. I grew up to a soundtrack of Bach’s Preludes and Fugues.

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Dad playing the organ

There was classical music, but Dad also loved his German music (yes, complete with accordion). Heino was a particular favourite. Mom was partial to Gordon Lightfoot, especially “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” which she must have played a million times.

My Uncle Chuck played piano, organ, and accordion — an instinct I seem to have inherited from him.

I grew up with the usual exposure to pop and rock, with a little country mixed in. I started playing clarinet when I was 11 and later added saxophone. I loved playing classical music, but yearned to play jazz. Dad reckoned if I ever ran away, he’d find me busking on Jackson Square in New Orleans. He’s probably right. In the end, I was either too shy, too lazy, or lacked the confidence to pursue a musical career. When I started university, I packed up the instruments. But over the years to come I explored a world of music.

As a consumer of music my taste has always been eclectic. It is easiest to explain my musical taste by identifying the music I don’t like: ABBA. I’ve told Simon that if I am ever in a vegetative state and he has to decide whether to pull the plug, he should sit by my bedside and play ABBA. If I don’t immediately wake up and tell him to turn that sh*t off, I’m gone. There. Is. No. One. Home.

Please don’t troll me. I don’t think less of you because you love ABBA. My best friend loves ABBA. My husband at least likes ABBA. My dogs would probably love ABBA if I allowed it to be played in the house. Chickens, too.

You hate Brussels Sprouts? Well I love them. There’s no accounting for taste.

I especially love various kinds of soul music, by which I mean, music that expresses the deepest elements of a people’s history, spirituality, and identity. Cajun Zydeco. Appalachian Bluegrass. Portuguese Fado. Memphis Blues. Gypsy Swing. Kletzmer. Reggae. Ska. Dixieland Jazz. New Orleans Funk. Motown. Gospel. I haven’t had much experience with Hip Hop, except in Africa, but I surely do understand its power.

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These Hip Hop musicians in Senegal founded the grassroots political movement “Y’en a mare” – enough is enough — that were pivotal in bringing democratic change to their country. Music has power!

In short, If it reaches into your heart, makes you want to dance, or weep, or praise the lord, I love it.

In the aftermath of my first dance with the black dog, in the early 1990s, my Video tapes of The Color Purple and Terminator II (the one where Linda Hamilton, playing Sarah Connor, goes all gansta on a psychiatric ward), and my Wynona, Willie Nelson, Francine Reed, Lyle Lovett, Gypsy Kings, R.E.M., and k. d. Lang CDs kept me going through many a dark night.

Eventually, the clouds lifted and for the next two decades or so, I collected more and more wonderful music to love from places like Bali, Senegal, Ghana, Kenya, and New Zealand. Maori music gives me goosebumps. The Maori musician I heard playing guitar and singing “Born on the Bayou” at the Riverbank Market on Easter Saturday made me stand still and say, out loud, like a prayer, “God, I love this country!” And then I put some coin in his guitar case.

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Learning drumming in Sobo Bade, Senegal

Depression is a thief. And somewhere along the line, depression stole my music. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened. It probably came on in stages. My father died and I couldn’t bear to listen to Bach. Organ music sent me into gales of tears. Normal grief? Probably.

Then, sometime after Simon and I got married, I changed divisions at the company where I worked. My new office was in the SCIF — the Special and Compartmented Information Facility, basically, a safe in which highly classified materials, discussions, and people are housed out of the reach of prying electronic eyes. Being effectively locked in my office all day, with no windows (technically, there were windows, but we weren’t allowed to open the blinds), and no access to personal electronics, meaning no iPods and no music CDs, felt like a daily flashback to the psych ward. I was in a sustained panic attack for two years.

Suddenly, music wasn’t soothing, it was searing. I quite literally couldn’t bear it. Looking back, I realise the black dog had been slowly, quietly, shadowing me just waiting for the opportunity to knock me over. We moved to New Zealand, my anxiety shot to previously unknown levels, I stopped sleeping and, eventually, my psyche crumbled under the pressure. Again, for the second time, I had to find a way to want to live.

But I didn’t, I couldn’t, turn to music. I had hundreds of CDs of music I love, and I couldn’t face them. It was as though sound, especially music, might make my head explode. Anhedonia — the inability to derive happiness from things you love — is a well known symptom of depression. But this was something else. It was as though the part of my brain that processed music had somehow been disconnected from my pleasure centres and grafted onto my fight or flight centres.

Of all the cruel things depression has ever inflicted on me, this was the worst. Even when I lost the ability to enjoy eating — and I did — I could, at least, get a positive sense of achievement by cooking for others. I find giving dinner parties is actually an excellent depression coping mechanism. Provided I could get myself to the grocery store (which wasn’t always easy because I had also developed a grocery store phobia), I knew I could chop, sauté, boil, and bake and beautiful food would ensue that my friends would happily come eat. I didn’t have to talk. They’d do the talking. I just had to provide the raw material — food, music — and a party would happen.

But no music? How do you heal in silence? I read loads of books. I worked with a wonderful, caring therapist. I took my crazy pills. I cooked. And eventually, I started this blog.

Then, one day while I was back in the states, I got it in my head that I would learn to play the accordion. The idea had been floating around in my head since I heard a local group, The Wellington Sea Shanty Society, on Radio NZ on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I could play the accordion. After all, the accordion isn’t really music, right? My friends keep telling me that. But I’ve always loved the accordion. I even enjoyed watching Lawrence Welk with my Grandparents! So I bought a used accordion on Trade-Me for about $300.00. It was waiting for me when I got home. And I went online to find an accordion teacher.

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I’m not, and probably never will be, a great accordionist. But Katie is a great teacher. One day, no so long ago, she was explaining the Circle of Fifths, or maybe it was chord progressions, and something flashed in my head. It was . . . joy! Katie gave me my music back. I think I laughed out loud. I’m sure she thought I was crazy. But then, I am.

JOY! Music and joy! I have my music back! Our “box room” now looks like the Big One has hit, with CDs strewn all over the floor, sorted into piles that mean something only to me. I found myself wanting to share my music, with Katie, with Simon, with the chickens, with anyone who will listen.

Don’t be surprised if I run up to you one day, waving a CD, or my iPod, and saying “You have to listen to this music!”

And CJ loves it when I sing! I promise you, he’s the only one who will ever love to hear me sing. My music is giving him joy.

It is as though I have five years of backed up music clamouring to be let out. My accordion has turned out to have seasonal affective disorder and all the keys have gone sticky. So until I can get a newer, less temperamental one, I’m learning on a digital piano. I’ve ordered a music journal and music staff paper. I’m not talented, but I’m most certainly enthusiastic. I have been, to quote C.S. Lewis, surprised by joy.IMG_0418

A few days ago, I got Vegan Soul Kitchen by Bryant Terry. Terry describes himself as “Alice Waters meets Melvin Van Peebles.” For each (marvellous) recipe, he includes a “suggested soundtrack” — a song or an album “to be enjoyed while cooking and eating.” He wants to “bring the culture back in agriculture.”

I’m down with that!

Music goes with food, and food goes with music. There is music I love to cook to, music I love to eat to. Music for warm summer picnics, and music for cold, windy Wellington winter nights. I want to tell you all about it!

I have my music back. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to cook. I want to eat.

I want to listen to the music.

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A Gentleman in Full

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This is Chris.

As you can tell from his impish smile, he was full of beans. And as you can tell from his bacon-wrapped Christmas turkey, he was no vegetarian. Still, Simon loved him, and so did I. IMG_0145

Even though he once told me my vegetarian pizzas looked like dog vomit.

Chris said exactly what he thought, exactly when he thought it.

And he seemed to own (at least) one of everything. When we were preparing the paddock for our Kune Kune pigs, he had a fence-wire-stretching-thingy. And a trailer to pick up the pig shelter kit from the shipping depot.IMG_0307

You see, Chris didn’t believe in delivery charges. So, every so often, Simon and Chris would head out of a Saturday to pick up some impossibly heavy and unwieldy thing or another and man-handle it up, or down, the stairs.

Chris believed in living life to the fullest. He rode a motorcycle to work in all kinds of Wellington weather. He drove his Porsche through New Zealand’s narrow, twisty turning roads, in clear defiance of the nation-wide 100 kph speed limit. When he found a Scotch Whiskey he liked, he bought a case. An excellent bubbly at an excellent price? Two cases! He owned more bottles of Limoncello than any other person I’ve ever known.

Were it not for Chris, I wouldn’t be here — as in, I wouldn’t be here in New Zealand. You see, it was Chris who made it possible for Simon to emigrate to New Zealand from the United Kingdom in 1998 to escape the ravages of a broken heart. They worked together, ate cheese toasties, did crossword puzzles, and played darts. And Simon’s heart healed.

Were it not for Chris, Simon wouldn’t have been on the Indian Pacific Railway from Sydney on July 5th, 2008.

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July 2008

Were Simon not on that train, we wouldn’t have met. Had we not met, I would have continued to go on ever more bizarre internet dates until I went totally mad and started collecting cats. Which would have made my dogs most unhappy.

I first met Chris a few days before Simon and I got married in Hawaii in 2009. He was Simon’s best man. They turned up together after a nine hour Air New Zealand flight during which, I’ve no doubt, they were the life of the party. By the time Simon made his way through immigration as a new migrant on a fiancé visa, Chris had charmed everyone in Customs.

Over the coming three days, we three went to Wal-Mart, where Simon bought his wedding clothes (which I am certain made my Dad smile, wherever he was) and Chris bought discount electronics. We went to the outlet mall, where Chris bought running shoes for his step son, Logan. CCI18042016The cardboard cutout of Logan’s left foot was a prominent feature throughout the festivities. And we went to the Saturday flea market at the University of Hawaii football stadium parking lot, where Simon sunburnt his feet to a crisp.

Oh, and we got a marriage license, which, for the record, looks just like President Obama’s birth certificate.

Chris hit it off immediately with my Goddaughter and bridesmaid, Alex, who sneezed all over him (and pretty much everyone else) during the ceremony. CCI18042016_3He was a dapper Best Man in his linen suit, Panama Hat, Hawaiian shirt, and dress shoes. The celebrant wore a turtle print sarong and a t-shirt with krishna on it. The groom wore shorts and bare feet — it was a beach wedding, after all.

When I came to New Zealand as a potential job candidate, in 2012, he picked me up at the airport and drove me to the top of Mt. Victoria, and showed me the beach where Ma’a Nonu sometimes worked out, which pretty much sealed the deal. And he woke up at 4 am to get me to the airport for my 6 am flight back to Sydney, and home. Service above and beyond the call.

It was Chris who introduced me to the Lower Hutt Saturday morning Riverbank Market, in all its vegetable glory. Chris was at the airport when Simon and I arrived in Wellington from the United States, stinky and travel weary, with our duffle bags full of what we thought we would need to survive until the shipping container with our worldly goods arrived. The next morning, he shepherded us, jet-lagged and bleary eyed, to the market. I thought I was hallucinating. It was the first week of August, the deepest Southern Hemisphere winter, yet the market was replete with freshness — leeks, silver beet, lots of lovely brassicas, and those New Zealand standbys, kumara and pumpkin. And these weren’t just leeks — they were leeks the size of baseball bats. And daikons the size of cricket bats. And handmade noodles, and food trucks. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. I was right about the heaven part.

Were it not for Chris, there would be no Kale Whisperer.

Over the coming months, Chris would pick me up every Saturday morning and we would go to the Market together, leaving himself to sleep in and get the kettle ready for our return. Chris introduced me to the Tofu and Chinese Noodle Man, and the Thai Herb Lady, and the best free range eggs in the market, and the French Bread and Stinky Cheese Man. Some weeks, we would visit the Mad Butcher or Pack ‘n Save — places I rarely have occasion to enter. Then back to chez nous for a cuppa.

Then, one Saturday, Chris seemed not his chipper, sassy self. He didn’t rise to the bait when I ribbed him about the half-dressed Barbie doll in his Land Rover. He’d been sleeping badly. He thought he had gastroenteritis. Then he thought he had become diabetic.

Then he had a scan.

There was a mass.

Then surgery and chemotherapy.

That was two years ago.

He faced the end of his life with his usual charm, humour, dignity, and generosity of spirit.   Even when we knew he was in pain, he could laugh. And make others laugh. He faced cancer head-on and fought it with everything he had. In short, he succeeded in doing what we all hope to do:  he remained Chris, in full, right to the end.

He adored his girls.

He wore a beaded bracelet that read: Fuck Cancer.

I agree.

Tomorrow, we will farewell Chris.

Today, I am unspeakably grateful to have known him.

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Not-Quite-Tanta’s Peach Kuchen: A Forty Day Invention Test, Episode Two


“A Georgia peach, a real Georgia peach, a backyard great-grandmother’s orchard peach, is as thickly furred as a sweater, and so fluent and sweet that once you bite through the flannel, it brings tears to your eyes.”

Melissa Fay Greene, ‘Praying for Sheetrock’

I grew up in the Peach State.  I’ve lived many places, but in my heart, I will always be a “funny talkin’ honky-tonkin’ Georgia Peach.” Georgia is no longer the United States’ top peach producer, but it still has the best peaches. My High School sweetheart was somehow related to the owners of the local orchard, Thomas’ in the thriving metropolis of Bishop, Georgia. He could get us in early, before they opened to the general public and — more importantly in Georgia in July — before the temperature and humidity rose into the mid-80s.  Still, peach picking was hot, humid work. After an hour or two Thomas’, I’d be sweaty, thirsty, sticky and covered with peach fuzz and the occasional bee sting. But nothing can match the joy of standing on a step ladder in the middle of a peach orchard and biting into a warm, perfectly tree-ripened peach.

Peaches are my absolute, all-time favourite fruit. I came by my love of peaches early. Long before we moved to Georgia. You see, my Great Aunt, Tanta Ida, made the absolutely most delicious peach coffee cake ever.

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Tanta Ida (2nd from the left) with Dad, Mum, Grandma, Janice, Grandpa, and the budgie (circa 1955)

My Aunties tell me she would make huge pans of küchen for all the various boyfriends who visited the foxy Saltenberger girls over the years. She made some for my Dad when we visited Eagle River every summer, and I happily embraced the peachy deliciousness windfall. [The family lore says Dad hated Eagle River — he didn’t — because he was bored without any libraries to hand. I think it was more a matter of vanity: people were constantly feeding him and, as you can see in this vintage photo, he got a bit chubby. And then there were Grandpa’s Scotch and Root Beers.]

All my life, I’ve tried to find that special peach deliciousness. A few weeks ago, while I was going through some of Mum’s old recipes, I found a very old, stained recipe for Tanta’s Peach Küchen. Joy! My next invention test was born.

New Zealand produces peaches. They are tasty, but they are delicate wee things. In the effort to minimise the fuzz, the varieties of peaches they grow here have very thin skins. It’s almost impossible to get them home from the market unscathed. Fortunately, the nectarines are fairly robust. Peaches have fuzz to protect the fruit from water and keep it from rotting. It’s like a little peach raincoat. Nectarines are just peaches without their raincoats. As far as this recipe is concerned, they are interchangeable.

I was, however, determined to work with the real thing. Tanta didn’t use nectarines, so I wouldn’t either. As it turns out, getting the peaches home safely was only the first of my challenges. When I started this Lenten journey of recipe invention, I said I would share the successes as well as the less-then-successes. In this case, there were a couple of false starts before I finally settled on formula that works.

The challenge, in this case, was translating a shorthand recipe from another era on another continent into something that I could recreate in my kitchen in New Zealand. The directions were fairly general, but, obviously, 3 cakes of yeast and 7 1/2 cups (1,065g) of flour was going to make one honking big cake.  But how big? “Spread in pan (greased well)” wasn’t much help. And what is the modern, dry yeast equivalent of 3 cakes of yeast?DSC_0787

For some help, I turned to my trusty copy of The Food Substitutions Bible (see “The Third Cookbook of Christmas”). It suggested that one cake of fresh yeast is equivalent to one package, or 2 1/4 tsp (8g) of active dry yeast. Great. That means I would need over 2 Tablespoons (24g) of yeast for 7 1/2 cups of flour! Argh! An oven explosion was sure to ensue.

I decided I would cut the recipe by a third(ish), since there was only me and Simon to eat it, so I trusted my baking experience and estimated how much yeast I would need. So, for 4 cups (568g) of flour, I would use the equivalent of one package of dry yeast, 2 1/4 tsp (8g). And 3 tsp of salt seemed like an awful lot, so I cut that back to 1 tsp.

The next hurdle was the liquid. Tanta, at least before my Grandfather burned the farm down (long story for another post), would have used whole, raw milk and eggs straight from the chicken. My concern was that our supermarket milk, even whole milk, might lack the right balance of fat and natural sugar. We don’t buy whole milk, but I keep a bag of New Zealand’s #1 export commodity, whole milk powder, on hand for baking. That’s what I ended up using.

I reckon the butter we get here in New Zealand is probably closer to what Tanta would have had than the processed butter we used to get in the States. The fresh (unsalted) butter here is incredibly dense, with very little added water. So no worries there.

Her farm eggs were probably as unpredictable as our farm eggs, so I held back one of the yolks, just in case everything ended up too gooey. It didn’t and I ended up using the whole egg.

The biggest question mark turned out to be the fruit-to-cake ratio. The recipe just says “arrange the peach slices on the dough.” How many peach slices? How many peaches?

In the end, I decided, the first time around, to base the number of peaches on the size of the cake. I guessed that Tanta would have made her küchen in a lasagne-sized pan (9×13 inches). I had inherited a marvellous lasagne-sized pan from the farm that Mum told me was Grandma’s coffee cake pan. Coffee Cake? Küchen? Same pan? I decided to use my 8×8 inch glass cake pan. Based on the reduced amount of dough I had, it seemed a reasonable assumption.

Tanta’s recipe called for 3 cups of sugar and 4 1/2 tsp of cinnamon for the topping. Yikes! Another hint that she was making big, sheet cakes. I cut that back to 1/2 cup (100g) sugar and 1 tsp of cinnamon — you can always add more if you like your streusel really cinnamony.

So, my first effort was OK, but not right. Why? It came down to two miscalculations: too much yeast, not enough pan. So my first küchen rose too much and threw most of the fruit and topping out of the pan and on to the pizza stone that lives at the bottom of my oven. Smelly burning sugar mess.

The good news is that two weeks later I tried again, adjusting the yeast, using a larger pan, and, just to put my own spin on things, adding oatmeal and brown sugar to Tanta’s sugar-butter-flour-cinnamon topping. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the final result.

Not-Quite-Tanta’s Peach Küchen

DSC_0778

 

This is not an extravagantly sweet coffee cake. It is an old-fashioned, gather around the kitchen table for elevenses coffee cake. You can eat this for breakfast and not feel guilty. After all, it’s basically peaches and oatmeal. Right? My theory is that my Tanta and Grandmother developed their recipes during the Great Depression, when money was scarce, especially on farms, and the sweetness in food came, as much as possible, from the natural sugars in the milk and fruit.

Ingredients:

1 cup (250ml) whole milk (reconstituted dry works well)

1/3 cup (65g) granulated sugar

6 TBSP (85g) unsalted butter

1 1/2 tsp (7ml) active dry yeast (NOT quick rise or bread machine yeast)

2 large eggs

4 cups (568g) all-purpose / standard grade flour

1 tsp (5ml) kosher or sea salt

Topping:

7 peaches (or more, if you like)

Juice of 1 lemon

3 TBSP brown sugar

1/2 cup (100g)2 granulated sugar

1/3 cup (70g) standard grade flour

1/3 cup rolled oats

2 TBSP butter, melted

1 tsp cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 375F/190C. Butter a 9 x 13 pan. To make removing the cake from the pan easier, you can line the bottom and two sides with parchment to form a sort of sling. Don’t forget to butter the parchment.

  1. Scald the milk. This makes the milk taste sweeter and, well, milkier. You can do this on the stove by putting the milk in a small saucepan and heating it until it has a skin on top, but short of a simmer. It will just be beginning to form tiny bubbles around the edges. The easier way is to put the milk, butter, and sugar in a glass container and microwave the whole works for about 3-4 minutes at high. Just to be on the safe side, I zap it for two minutes, check the temperature, and zap it for another minute or two.
  2. Let the milk/butter/sugar cool to lukewarm (skin temperature), then add the yeast and let it proof for five minutes or so. If your liquid is too hot, you’ll kill the yeast. If your yeast is good, it will go to town and end up looking like this
  3. Gently beat the eggs and add them to the wet ingredients.
  4. Sift the flour and salt together in your mixing bowl. If you are using a standing mixer, using the flat paddle, add the wet ingredients to the flour. If you are mixing by hand, make a well in the flour and add the wet ingredients.
  5. Mix everything just until it comes together into a ball. This doesn’t want a lot of kneading.DSC_0756
  6. Cover the dough and let it rise for at least an hour.
  7. While the dough is rising, peel, pit,  and slice your peaches. To peel the peaches, drop them, one or two at a time, into a pot of boiling water for 20-30 seconds then into a bowl of ice water to stop them cooking. Then you can just rub the peel off with a paper towel. Be careful. They are very slippery.
  8. Toss the peaches with the juice of 1 lemon (to stop them turning brown). You can add a little sugar here, but I don’tDSC_0751
  9. Roll out the risen dough into a rough rectangle slightly bigger than your pan, then press the dough into the pan with the dough going up the sides. Like this:DSC_0770
  10. Arrange the peach slices over the dough in one or two layers. I thought seven peaches were enough, but Simon wanted more. Use your judgement here. Or, you can throw in a handful of blueberries. The photo on the right is my first attempt — the one that exploded all over the oven — you can sort of see the signs already. But the combination of yellow and white peaches and blueberries was pretty, and tasty.
  11. To make the topping, sift together the dry ingredients, then stir in the melted butter with a fork. Mix it all up until the butter is well distributed. DSC_0769
  12. Spread the topping evenly over the peaches, then cover with a towel and let rise for another 30 minutes. This is a good time to preheat the oven, if you haven’t already.DSC_0773
  13. Bake the küchen in the 375/190 oven for about 40 minutes. The toothpick test is tricky, with all the gooey fruit. It should be done when the crust around the edges is nice and golden brown. If you did the sling thing, you can try pulling it up. If the whole thing sort of slumps in the middle, you might need a little more baking time.
  14. This is delicious hot, so you only need to cool it on a wire rack for a few minutes before you grab your fork, brew and cuppa, and eat Not-Quite-Tanta’s Peach Küchen.DSC_0774

 

A Forty Day Invention Test

When I was a kid, my fellow Episcopalian and Catholic pals and I spent weeks thinking about what we would give up for Lent. I tended to lean toward such noble sacrifices as Brussels Sprouts — which as far as I remember my Mother never, ever cooked — or liver and onions– which my Dad loved meaning we had it about once a week. I tried very hard to score an invitation to eat at a friend’s house on those days. I remember being in awe of my best friend, Jeannie, the year she gave up watching TV.

I don’t honestly know whether she stuck with it for the whole 40 days, but I do remember her sitting with her back to the set on our regular Saturday Porter Wagner and hot dogs nights. My usual fall back was chocolate, which was sort of a sacrifice — I do like chocolate — but as we seldom had chocolate in the house, not much of one.

As I got older, the whole ritual of giving something up for Lent fell by the wayside. I guess this was because, once we moved to Georgia, most of my friends were Baptists and Methodists for whom Lent didn’t really seem much of an issue, although Easter certainly was.

Once I became an adult, I again embraced the notion of a Lenten discipline, Most years, I 21-days-to-form-a-new-habit-lori-welbournedecided to take up something — meditation, daily prayer, volunteering, swimming — in the hope that what started as a seasonal discipline would become a habit. It worked the year I challenged myself to go to the gym every day. I initially took up yoga as a Lenten discipline. That stuck too, for a while.

For several years, I gave up meat for Lent. This is, of course, a time-honoured Lenten discipline. The whole idea of Fat Tuesday or Pancake Day had to do with using up all your indulgent foods — butter, cream, eggs, bacon — in preparation for the lean, disciplined days of fasting that lay ahead. pancake day

For me, the Lenten meat fast would end with the Easter Vigil — the Saturday night service that begins in the dark (at least until Congress moved Daylight Savings Time, meaning it didn’t get dark at Easter until 8pm or so) with a cantor and Old Testament lessons and ends with with bright lights and festive music, representing Jesus’ resurrection. It is my absolutely favourite service of the entire year — far surpassing Christmas. One year, we were encouraged to make animal sounds during the Noah’s Ark story, rattle our keys during the reading of Ezekiel 37:1-14 — the Valley of the Dry Bones — and ring bells or toot horns during Psalm 98 — Sing to the Lord a New Song.

5guysburgerfries

No, I don’t eat meat anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.

After the Easter Vigil, I would head straight to Five Guys Burgers and Fries for a gloriously greasy bacon cheeseburger with the works and a bog of their miraculously delicious fries then head home to eat it accompanied by a bottle of bubbly. Now that’s breaking a fast!

One year, I gave up wine. I’ll never make that mistake again.

Ditto: coffee.

mobyAnother year, I pledged to read Moby Dick, my lifelong literary bête noir. The. Most. Boring. Novel. Ever. Written. I failed. I’d rather spend forty days wearing a hair shirt. Note to l’Académie française: I’ll give up my circonflexe when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. If for no other reason, because without it, my spell checker keeps changing bête to bets or beets.je suis circonflex

My friend Mary earned my everlasting admiration the year she gave up baking bread for Lent. When we were preparing to move to New Zealand and it came time to find a foster mother for my beloved sourdough starter, I reckoned that someone who loved baking so much that she would give it up for Lent would treat my sourdough baby with all the love it deserved.

God and I had a parting of the ways some years ago. I am now what I call a philosophical Christian, with some Judaism, Buddhism, and Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster mixed in. While I no longer believe in an afterlife or a loving God, I still believe that Jesus’ teaching — the stuff he actually said — is as good a guide for living a decent and rewarding life as any other. Feed the hungry. House the homeless. Care for the sick. Embrace outsiders. Keep only what you need and share the rest with those who have less than you. Judge not lest ye be judged. This is all good. Are you listening, Donald Trump?

This Lent, a year after my soul fell to pieces, I am once again embracing the value of a discipline for restoring mindfulness and spiritual resilience. For most of the last year, just getting out of bed was an exercise in discipline. It would be disingenuous for me to give up meat — that is already gone. Chocolate? Not enough of a sacrifice. Wine? lentToo much of a sacrifice. As much as I admire Mary, giving up baking would rob me of one of my most important emotional outlets. Simon and the boys might appreciate my giving up the accordion, but I wouldn’t want to lose my place with my lovely accordion teacher, Katie. The Kale Whisperer can’t give up Kale.

So, what’s a girl to do?

After long deliberation and utterly without consulting my devoted partner, I have decided to give up cookbooks for Lent. Not only will I not buy any new ones, I won’t use them. For the next forty days, I will be a totally improvisational cook. Because this is my discipline and I’m making the rules, I will leave myself three exceptions. I’ll allow myself to use Karen Page’s The Vegetarian Flavor Bible [see “The Seventh Cookbook of Christmas”], to ensure I check before pairing radishes and chocolate. I’ll also allow one all purpose book to look up basic recipes, like choux pastry, that I don’t carry around in my head. For this, I’ll use Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian. I’ll also use cookbooks for any pickling and preserving I do because I don’t want to kill anyone. Starting at sunrise on Ash Wednesday until sundown Easter Saturday, all other cookbooks will remain closed.

Note that I am giving up cookbooks, not necessarily recipes. In addition to improvising my own recipes using whatever seasonal ingredients are available, I will, on occasion, revisit some of the old recipes I inherited from my mother, Aunties, Grandma, and Tante Ida. I hope, in so doing, I will stretch my kitchen creativity as well as knitting my cooking more tightly to my new home.

I pledge to include ingredients that are new to me: Maori yams, feijoas, Asian greens. Maybe even these things. weird fruit

My hope is that at the end of this exercise, I will have a greater appreciation for living in tune with the seasons, greater culinary creativity, and a better food blog.

I’ll share the successes. When there are failures — as there are bound to be — I’ll share those, too. I promise, though, that I’ll only consult the ones I have on paper. Consulting the internet; that would be cheating. I am setting off on a forty day Master Chef Invention test. The Pantry is open.

invention test